We moved.  We are at wunt wendy's now.  Well right now we are at justin's so I can see my parent's tomorrow for my

21st birthday!!!

So Cayne and I had planned to go see mewithoutYou in Chicago on the 20th.  We had been planning it for a couple of months and saved money and everything for it.  Cayne's parents knew that we were going and knew how much we wanted to go.  His mom told me that we had to bring the money we owed them to Bronson before we left, which I understood.  So I thought okay we will pay rent and insurance and we will pay toward what we owe next time.  No no no, she wanted a hundred dollars toward what we owed.  That would have left us less than ten dollars to go to Chicago and back on.  We were very angry and Cayne didn't pay them all of it.  While he is there, she starts telling him that she thinks that I am taking money from him and hiding it.  I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO TAKE MONEY FOR!  I would never take money from Cayne anyway, if I wanted it all I would have to do is ask for it and he would give it to me.  So that made me very angry!

So we go to Chicago, and it was a blast.  Cayne talked with Aaron (from mewithoutYou) for like 2 hours and he gave Cayne the shoes he was wearing.  He walked around and performed in his socks.  It was really cool.  The show was good, well mewithoutYou was good.

So now we are home and we don't know what we are going to do.  Cayne got laid off, and his parents are going to shit bricks about it.  Even though there is no way that he could have prevented it.  I know that we are going to get into this big fight thing but I don't know how it is going to turn out.  I told Cayne that if they say anything about us being too young to raise a kid or anything about me taking money from him, I am out.  I don't know I might be out anyway.

current mood: infuriated

Cayne, Jon, Justin, and I are going to see mewithoutYou.

suck on that.

I don't usually ask for help.  I can usually do a spread for myself, I don't usually let things intervere.  However, I am having surgery on Tuesday, and I am absolutly TERRIFIED!  I have tried a few times to do a reading, but I am so scared that I am reading other things into it.

I was wondering if someone could please do a spread for me.  I want insight on how my surgery is going to go, if I will be okay.  If someone could do this for me, if you ever needed anything I would be right there.  I could even do a spread for you after my surgery.

My email is queergroupie@hotmail.com  I think that I would prefer it to be sent to me.  This is very important to me.

Thank you in advance.

So it is 4:07 in the morning and I cannot sleep.
It sucks.  My side/kidney is hurting so bad right now and I am miserable.
I can't wait to have this surgery done and over with.
Hopefully things will start to feel better afterwards.
I don't know if any of you have ever had a kidney stone, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I was reading today about the procedure that I am going to have done, and I am a little more aware of what is going to happen.
I am hoping that people will show up to see me.
It makes recovery so much easier to have friends visit.

Cayne and I attempted a date night.  It didn't go so well.
We decided on a whim to go to the movies.
(I was feeling sad and he wanted to cheer me up.)
We went to see Halloween, the only movie either of us even slightly wanted to see that was playing in Sturgis.
It was pretty good.
When we leave the movies we head to Wal Mart to get bottle liners.
When we got back outside, we had a flat tire.
To make a long story short:
we tried to put air in it, there was a hole
we tried to seal the hole, the tire came off the rim
Justin and my mom came to help
We stood in the rain for about two hours.

I guess it was an okay night though.
Cayne and I got to spend much needed time together.
The movie wasn't too bad.
And Cayne didn't get discouraged or grumpy all night.

I have decided to go see a counselor.
I think I might really need it.
I just feel so lonely and I can't get past it.

hey everyone.

Things here are going... well not so wonderful.  And it's not our baby girl and it's not Cayne and I.  It's just me.  I don't know why, but I am feeling miserable.  I am so sad and so confused about it.  I get down about little things, and then I make up fictional stories in my head to make me feel worse.  Mind you, these are things that have never happened and probably *hopefully* never will.  I just think of the most heartbreaking things.  Not DEATH or anything like that.  Most of my fictional stories involve Cayne cheating on me or leaving me.  I think of that because it is the most awful thing that I can think of (to me) besides death.  A big problem with that is I just don't think of it, I make little movies in my head about it.  I get so into it that I dream about him leaving me.  I can't help it.  I don't want to be sad but I don't know how to stop making myself feel like this.

I am also very lonely.  I don't have many friends left.  I mean I have a few that I get to see every once in a while but it isn't the same.  I don't have anyone I can trust to listen to me and not have the fear that they are making fun of me or telling someone something.  I have never had a ton of friends but the ones I did have were wonderful and I was very close with them.  I don't have any of them left.  I have my family, my mom.  I have never ever been as close with my mom as I am right now.  We have a great relationship now and I am very grateful for that.  But it isn't the same as having someone my age that I can talk to without being judged.  

One more thing.  I am absolutely terrified of this surgery that I have to have.  For those of you who are reading this and don't know I have a lot of kidney problems.  Back in November 2005 I was hospitalized with a kidney stone.  I had to have a kidney stone basketing, which is where they go in through the urethra to remove the stone, and it didn't work.  A stent was placed in my ureter (the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder) to speed up the passing.  I had a massive allergic reaction to the stent which resulted in an infection.  The stent had to be removed and I never passed the stone.

About three months into my pregnancy I was having a lot of pain in my right side.  I went to the emergency room several times only to be told that it was a Urinary Tract Infection.  I dealt with the pain coming and going for about a month when one day I just couldn't take it anymore.  I went to the emergency room yet again but this time the doctor ordered an ultrasound.  Turns out my ureter was blocked and my right kidney was just filling up and not releasing any urine.  My OB doctor predicted that the tube had collapsed due to the baby laying on it.  Solution: have a stent put in.  So I had emergency surgery.  Now these surgeries are pretty simple... you get a spinal, which numbs you from about the belly button down and then medicine is given through the IV to put you to sleep.  After the surgery we found out that I had a very large kidney stone that could not be removed until after I delivered.

After I had Sage, I made an appointment right away to have the stone blasted.  I had to go to the hospital to have an x-ray.  When the picture came back, I had three stones in my bladder, a stone in my ureter, and a very very large stone high in my kidney.  He told me that he might not be able to reach the one in my kidney and if that was the case, I would have to go have a procedure called Shockwave treatment done.  We scheduled the surgery to have them lazered away.  It was supposed to be an hour long, outpatient surgery.  The surgery took three hours and I had to be in the hospital for three days.

It turns out that the stone in my kidney was not only too high to reach with the lazer, but it is too large and too hard to have it taken care of with the SWT.  So now I have to have major surgery where I will be under general anestheia and he has to cut into my kidney to remove the stone.  If he doesn't remove the stone, it will cause complete kidney failure.  I am terrified.  I have never been completely under like that and I have never had major surgery.

I just have all of this stuff going on... and I don't know where to put it.

Hey everyone.  It has been a long time since I have updated.  Life has been busy with the little one and all.  She is doing great though.  At her one month appointment she had gained nearly 2lbs. and grew 2 inches.  She is very colic-e though.  Which sucks b/c that means that almost every minute that she is awake, she is screaming.  It makes me sad to hear her scream and scream like that but I am hoping that changing her formula to the soy based will make it a lot better.

Cayne is working a new job in Sturgis.  He is making almost a dollar more than he was at Baker Street.  So I guess we will see if we can save up some money.  I might have to get a job.  Which doesn't bother me too much.  

I think I am going to go to KCC.  I am not sure yet, but I want to.  Something with Photography.  We will see about that too!

Our Beautiful Baby Girl.
Sage Taylor Lindsey.
July 17, 2007
6 lbs. 12 oz.
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y81/tashanicole/scan.jpg